Of Sailing
by twinklestar148
Summary: Akihito gives the worst advice known to man. Fei Long introspection


What is it about homework that makes me want to write Viewfinder? Anyway, this is my absolute first try at writing from Fei Long's point of view. I found it strange, in case you were wondering.

Disclaimer: Just because I forgot to put this in the last one does not mean that I believe I own the Finder Series. Because I don't. Unfortunately.

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When Asami and Akihito board the boat that will take them away forever, Fei Long wants to scream and throw the precious deed to the casino into the black, polluted waters and take a plane to Tokyo for the sole purpose of setting fire to it (Tokyo is Asami's heart, it's what he lives and breathes, and Akihito _loves_ Tokyo. Even if Fei Long kept him forever and ever, gave him only the most beautiful of subjects for his camera, Akihito would _never_ love Hong Kong the way he loves Tokyo).

The sea wind keeps blowing Fei Long's hair into his face. It annoys him.

The boat disappears. This is not the worst thing he has ever seen in his life. He reminds himself of his dead father, of his brother, of looking into Asami's face when he thought he'd die.

Yoh tells him, beaten up and broken, that he's in love with him and wants to die by his hand and, for a moment, Fei Long really does want to shoot him and if he did, if he pulled the trigger, if the blood splattered across the deck and the body dropped to the floor, maybe it would be like killing a part of himself. The weak part, the part he doesn't need, the part that feels too much and always gets him in trouble and Yoh reminds him too much of himself for this to be safe. His fingers ache to squeeze the trigger, put this man out of his misery, save himself by damning himself.

But he doesn't. Yoh is still Yoh even if he seems more like Fei Long right now.

Instead, he says, "What's the point of telling someone the way you feel if they don't become yours?" and it's the truest thing he's ever said in his life and he turns back to the ocean, away from Yoh whose resignation is all too familiar and he wishes the boat was still in sight.

He thinks his stomach is empty. There are no organs or blood, only a great black hole and the tingle in his chest (it's not really his heart because that's stupid and impossible) spreads down his left arm, making it weak and restless. He clutches the handrail.

The urge to scream has still not left him but when he breathes deeply through his nose, it helps a little. Yoh is so silent behind him, he can mercifully forget that another man's heart is broken too. Broken and sad and so, so hopeless.

He thinks about Akihito's pretty face, the incomprehension in his eyes and the pity when Fei Long had asked him to stay, had said that he could fall in love with him. Akihito didn't understand and he didn't try to and Fei Long thinks that's a good thing because the boy is far too truthful, he would've said the words, confused and devastating, like a child, _'But I could never fall in love with you' _and Fei Long may have had to kill him.

Asami had just stared at him, arrogant and superior and cold, when he'd finally spat out the words _'I wanted to make you mine'_ (never, never, never _'I love you'_ because those are weak words meant for weak people and they didn't help him with Akihito so why would they help him with Asami, who at least understands possessiveness, if nothing else).

He still wants to carve out Asami's eyes with a spoon because they judged him and pitied him and hurt him and he's not a masochist like Akihito.

There's no end to this, he realizes. This will always hurt. The two men he could love are leaving him –left him- for each other. He's on a casino boat with remnants of his pathetic heart in a sad little heap. He thinks if he opens his mouth again, blood will pour out, because the bile that's filling it tastes just as bitter.

He will never see them again because he can't bear to see them together and they probably always will be from now on. He will send Yoh away because he is a traitor and if he doesn't he will have to kill him which he doesn't really want to do anymore (even if it's almost a mercy for the both of them). One day he will shoot Mikhail in the head for his disrespect. Maybe he'll do while they're fucking. The world has not stopped spinning because he has been broken.

The sea looks endlessly black and polluted with oil and filth.

But when morning comes, it will sparkle again. It will still be endless and mysterious but it will be beautiful.

(It will still be polluted with trash and death and muck though.)

He thinks he can live with that, if only just barely.

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So, yeah, this was sort of just one horrible angst fest and it kind of made me want to slap myself in the face.

Review anyway? Pretty please?


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